I will never trust Wikipedia again. After last week’s blog about the blackout protest I received a message on Twitter, complaining about the online encyclopedia’s treatment of its Drop Bear page. Apparently, gimlet-eyed foreign editors have rewritten the original, factual entry to cast doubt on the very existence of the vicious marsupials, going as far as to describe them as ‘fictitious’.
This is inexplicable and intolerable, especially when no less an authority than the Australian Museum is available for corroboration. Thylarctos plummetus, says the museum's much more informative and accurate web page, 'is a large, arboreal, predatory marsupial related to the Koala.'
'Around the size of a leopard or very large dog with coarse orange fur with some darker mottled patterning (as seen in most Koalas). It is a heavily built animal with powerful forearms for climbing and holding on to prey. It lacks canines, using broad powerful premolars as biting tools instead.'
Fictitious indeed. Tell that to the legions of scratched up, savagely nibbled American and Swedish tourists whose holidays have been ruined by the terror from above. Only too late did they realise the travel advisories, warning them to steer clear of outback serial killers and Andrew Bolt, were of little use when swarmed by a swarm of nasty, bitey carnivore Qantas bears, which in reality outnumber both outback serial killers and Andrew Bolt by many millions to one.
Why, it seems only yesterday I was enjoying an ale at a local brewhouse, warning two fine upstanding young troopers of the US 101st Airborne Regiment that their plans to camp out and surf along the north coast would come to naught if they did not secure themselves from vertical assault by smearing just a smidge of Vegemite behind the ears; a recommendation heartily recommended by a passing Scotsman, thereby adding cross cultural verisimilitude to the suggestion. (Although he did somewhat detract from his credibility by suddenly swinging a violent haymaker at the shorter of the two, a couple of drinks later).
Still, the question stands. What is to be done about this insult to our national predator? (The drop bear is the third, unseen, native animal on the coat of arms, being just out of sight as he drops, claws out and fangs drooling from a wattle branch above the heads of the roo and the big gulping bird.) More importantly, what is to be done to repair our reputation with tourists when they arrive here, only to be set upon by these beasts? The tourism sector is already suffering greatly from the strength of the Aussie dollar. Another drop bear attack could see it collapse entirely.
I’ll tell you what is to be done, on this our national day, my little Vegemiters.
We must saddle up the nearest long haul wallaby and hop straight over to Wikipedia to set the record straight.
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